


The Rise and Fall of the Gay Christmas Elf, or How the Glambulge Made Christmas Bright

by GlitterAndDoom



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Holidays, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-25
Updated: 2010-12-25
Packaged: 2017-10-14 02:35:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/144403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitterAndDoom/pseuds/GlitterAndDoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy should've known he'd be the first elf in decades to fall on sleigh duty. - Pure crack. Happy holidays!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Rise and Fall of the Gay Christmas Elf, or How the Glambulge Made Christmas Bright

**Author's Note:**

> **Title:** The Rise and Fall of the Gay Christmas Elf, or How the Glambulge Made Christmas Bright  
>  **Pairing:** Adam Lambert/Tommy Joe Ratliff  
>  **Summary:** _Tommy should've known he'd be the first elf in decades to fall on sleigh duty._  
>  **Warnings:** CRACK, AU, holiday cheer  
>  **Author's Notes:** Written for **valress's** holiday request prompt: _Happy fun 'verse. Tommy is an actual fax Christmas elf that gets left behind by Santa. Adam finds him and takes him in :D_ Then, it descended into pure madness.  
>  **Disclaimer:** I am so sorry…

Tommy should've known he'd be the first elf in decades to fall on sleigh duty. It wasn't his fault—not really. The Big Man needed more than milk and cookies to keep his spirits up while traveling the world at a physics-defying pace, and he was as generous with his whiskey as he was with his presents. And damn good whiskey it was, smooth, potent, and ass-kicking, more than enough to knock the heartiest elf to his knees.

Sure, he might've looked more waiflike than most, but dammit, if he was good at anything, it was holding his liquor. That meant absolutely jack as he tumbled through the sky, already long abandoned by the speeding sleigh. The world spun around him, the air rushing past made all the more alarming by the alcohol coursing through his veins and sloshing in his belly, so he shut his eyes tight and prayed to any deity that might actually exist that he wouldn't die or something.

He was gonna have enough trouble living this mess down already. Death would only make things worse. " _This sucks_ ," he thought to himself, and still, he kept falling.

After what felt like forever, he hit the ground, flat on his ass with a bone-jarring thud. Before his brain caught up enough for him to say " _Ow_ ," he was nearly deafened by a piercing mechanical scream. He blinked open his eyes, and was almost blinded by the lights of the car that was coming right toward him. "Well, _fuck_ ," he muttered, and the whiskey and the stress failed to catch up with him.

He didn't pass out, but he didn't get hit, either.

"Oh my _God!_ " a man shouted, and Tommy heard a door slam and the sound of footsteps rushing toward him. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my _God!_ " Through the afterimage of lights burning his eyes, he saw… _sparkles?_ Surely not… "Don't move!" Tommy froze, his hand halfway up to wipe his eyes. "You could have, like, a broken neck or something, and you could _die_ , oh my God, and…holy _fuck_ , are you an—"

"An elf, yeah." Tommy nodded, and while it hurt as much as the rest of his shrieking body, he was pretty sure his neck wasn't broken. He rubbed his eyes, and he tried to focus on the man standing in front of him. _Tried_ being the key word.

"Are you okay?"

He looked the man up and down. The guy towered over him, and Tommy couldn't help but wonder if he was seeing what he was supposed to be seeing—leopard print boots, skintight black jeans studded with rhinestones, a black Queen shirt decorated with even _more_ rhinestones, and…"Am I supposed to be seeing glitter? And makeup and shit?"

The man looked down at himself, then he let out a sheepish laugh. "Oh, yeah. I'm, um, on my way back from a party."

"Then I'm good," Tommy said, and, immediately, his stomach lurched, and he vomited all over the guy's shoes.

Thankfully, then, he finally passed out.

 

If he hadn't been surrounded by decadent softness, Tommy would've thought he'd woken up in Hell. Everything _hurt_ , a loud, almost agonizing kind of hurt that he couldn't ignore. His head was being squeezed in a vise, his muscles and joints had been replaced with an elderly old man's, his ass…

" _Fuck!_ " he whined. His ass felt ten billion times worse than it had when he and the head elf had _experimented_ that one time behind the adult toys section, and he kind of wanted to curl up in a ball and die, like whatever it was that had kicked it in his mouth.

"You still alive?" He felt the bed dip down, and then warm fingers began carding through his hair.

Tommy mumbled something garbled and nonsensical in reply, something that was supposed to be, " _I wish I wasn't,_ " or " _Rub my back, bitch_ ," or some variation of " _Owwwwwww_ ," but probably came out as badly as his one foray out of the closet, and, fuck, why did he keep thinking of gay things all of a sudden? Carefully, he turned, and he opened his eyes and saw why. Freckles, lots and lots of freckles dotting a broad expanse of pale skin, and even speckled across full lips. Eyes, big, concerned eyes, some shade between blue and gray and lined with dark liner and flecks of glitter that hadn't quite come clean. Thick, black hair, a strong nose, a beautiful face… "You're pretty."

The man chuckled, and he flushed a lovely shade of pale pink. "Thank you. You're not so bad yourself." Tommy smiled, and felt his own cheeks grow hot, while the man giggled. "Never thought I'd be saying that about a real live elf, wow. I never even thought Santa and all that shit existed, y'know, but you have, like, the pointy ears and everything."

"I know, right?" The man traced a finger over one of Tommy's earlobes, and he nearly fucking _purred_ , pain be damned. "So, what's your name? I'm Tommy. Tommy Joe Ratliff."

The man frowned, furrowing his brow in confusion. "You guys have last names?" Tommy nodded. "Wow, I figured it'd be, like, Claus or something. Um, I'm Adam. Adam Lambert."

Tommy didn't recognize the name. He knew all the names in the world for one night, he thought, but he didn't know that one. "You're not on The List," he said.

"I'm Jewish." Adam shrugged. "Or I'm naughty. Depends on who's asking."

"Naughty as in 'kicks dogs, beats elderly women with their walkers, and bites babies' heads off' kind of naughty, or the fun kind of naughty?"

Adam laughed. "The fun kind of naughty, I think. Unless you think gay sex is evil or whatever."

"I think sex is awesome, but…" But while gay people were awesome and totally on Santa's List most of the time, gay sex _hurt_ , except when they just used mouths and stuff. "Must be the Jewish non-Santa-believer thing." Fuck, he was doing too much talking. His body was starting to remember just how much pain he was in, and he whimpered. "Ow."

"Oh, baby." Adam's expression softened, and he got that concerned look on his face again. He traced his fingers along Tommy's face, his touch gentle, and Tommy leaned into it, almost ignoring the pain. "You hurt?"

Tommy nodded. "All over." He widened his eyes, and he stuck out his bottom lip, trying to give Adam his most pitiful pout. He needed a strong drink and a stronger massage, and Adam had nice, big hands. "Do you have any whiskey? And are you any good at back rubs?" Whiskey had gotten him into this mess; whiskey would damn well get him out of it.

"Very good, _very_ good." Adam gave him a wicked smirk. "And I'm sure I can find something for—wait." Adam's smirk fell away, and this time, Tommy wasn't pleased to see that Concerned Face. "Are you sure you should be drinking? Because—"

Tommy sighed. "'m not human, Adam. I can handle shit better." He pouted again. "And I _hurt_."

"Okay, okay." Adam bent down and kissed Tommy's forehead. "I'll find something, you drunk."

Tommy snorted, and as Adam climbed off the bed, he reached over and grabbed a handful of Adam's magnificent—of course it would _have_ to be magnificent, the unfair bastard—ass. Adam jerked in surprise, then he turned and winked. "Like that, do you?"

"Hot is hot." Tommy shrugged a shoulder. "You're hot."

"Are you easy, though?"

"Gimme some booze and a backrub, and we'll see." Tommy cast an appreciative glance along Adam's body, pausing to leer at his…holy _shit._ Of _course_ the fucker would have impressive junk, too. He shot upright, ignoring the screaming twinges of fire along his nerves as he did, and _stared._ "Dude, what the hell are you hiding in your pants? A python?"

Adam doubled over with laughter. "It's just a penis."

"Just a—dude, seriously? That's not _just_ a penis! That's, like—" He gestured emphatically to the sizeable bulge in Adam's boxers.

"Am I gonna have to show you?"

" _Yes!_ "

Sighing like it was such a huge hardship—and, with a dick like that, it probably was—Adam pulled down his underwear, revealing a large, lovely (as lovely as one can be, anyway), and _interested_ penis, and equally impressive balls. Tommy's cock twitched and grew hard, sending a jolt of lust deep into his belly, and his mouth went dry. " _Fuck_."

"Yeah, that's usually what guys do with one of these things." Adam pulled up his underwear once again, and Tommy felt a small stab of disappointment that they wouldn't be using that glorious cock just yet. Probably for the best—he _was_ still in pain, after all. But he wanted to touch that cock. He wanted to write fucking _odes_ to that cock. Jesus fucking Christ. "Lay back down," Adam added, and squeezed Tommy's shoulder. "I'll be—" Suddenly, Adam burst into giggles. "I'll be back with your booze and some other stuff in a minute." Adam left the room, shaking his head and muttering, "I am _never_ getting drunk on Christmas Eve again, oh my _God_."

"That's what they all say!" Tommy shouted after him, before faceplanting into the pillows once again.

Of course, the second Adam was gone, his brain decided to drift into Freakout Mode. He was an elf. Adam was human. As soon as Santa realized he was missing, there'd be a search party sent out, and Tommy would be dragged back to the North Pole, whether his hard-on had been sated or not. He suspected he should be freaking out over Adam being male, but hot was hot, and Adam was _definitely_ hot. Instead, he worried about time. How long would it be until the head elf started knocking on Adam's door—or worse, burst into the apartment? If Adam gave him whiskey and tended to his aching body, would they still have enough time left for fun?

He couldn't take that risk. He wanted those full, gorgeous lips wrapped around his length, stealing his breath and his name, and he wanted to take that magnificent, magnificent cock into his own mouth to do the same. He wanted to see what Adam looked like when he came apart, wanted to hear if he'd go quiet or _moan_ , loud and shameless. No, he _needed_ it. So, ignoring his pain yet again, he rolled over onto his back, and as soon as Adam stepped into the room with a steaming mug and a bottle of massage oil, Tommy said, "I think we should have sex, like, right now."

Adam's jaw dropped, but, fortunately, the mug and the bottle did not. "Um…"

"Unless you don't want to have sex with me?" Tommy looked into Adam's eyes and pouted. Pouting seemed to have worked well for him so far. "C'mon." He slid a hand over his chest, pausing to tease his nipples into hardness, then slipped it down his belly, then lower still to cup his cock through his briefs, and, oh, fuck, yeah, that felt good. "You said I was pretty." Adam swallowed and licked his lips, and his gaze couldn't stop darting toward Tommy's hand. "You know you want this."

"You're an _elf_."

"And we're not gonna have much time together." Adam looked away. "C'mon, Adam. Y'know what's good for pain? Endorphins. You know what creates endorphins?"

"Sex?" Adam sat the mug on the dresser, and he started moving toward the bed. Tommy smiled.

"Don't you wanna suck my cock? Don't you wanna heal my pain?" He fluttered his eyelashes coquettishly, and the bottle of oil fell from Adam's fingers.

"Oh, baby, Santa's not gonna want you back after this." Tommy's insides did a victory dance as Adam surged forward, then straddled him on the bed and claimed his lips in a kiss that tasted of mint and heat, and that made him forget how awful his own mouth must have tasted. His eyes fell shut, and he moaned into Adam's mouth and arched up against him, seeking friction for his aching cock. Adam was an amazing kisser and seemed to throw everything into it, kissing him like it might be their last. Hell, it might have been.

That thought hit like a blow of ice water to the gut. Tommy pulled back, breathless, and he stared up at Adam, whose eyes had gone narrow with confusion. "I don't—" Tommy tried to swallow the sudden lump in his throat. "I don't want this to be just a quick and dirty fuck, okay? This—" He swallowed again, and he took a deep breath. "We met for a reason, and I don't—"

Adam pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "I'll make it good, baby. I promise."

He did. Adam was gentle and patient and _attentive_. He left no inch untouched by the heat of his lips and his tongue and his skin, left no part of his mind unsatisfied as he explored Tommy's body and overwhelmed him with sensation and pleasure. "You're so beautiful," he whispered, teasing him open with his fingers, drawing out noises Tommy didn't know he could make. Then, he slid _inside_ , and it was nothing like Tommy had felt before, all pleasure and delicious heat.

"Oh, God, _Adam_ ," he breathed, as Adam started thrusting inside him. "More, Jesus, _fuck!_ "

And Adam gave him more, gave Tommy everything he asked for until the world turned to pleasure and he cried out and came between them.

 

When Tommy finally began to return to himself, Adam was curled up against his side, wiping his chest and stomach clean with a warm, wet washcloth. "Did I do good?" he asked, giving Tommy an almost shy smile as he sat the cloth aside. Tommy blinked at him blearily, then made an incoherent noise and buried his face against Adam's arm. Adam chuckled, and he reached under Tommy's shoulders and pulled him close. "I'll take that as a yes."

"Fucking made buttsex amazing, what the hell?" Tommy mumbled, and kissed Adam over his heart. "Fucking ridiculous fucker."

"Aw, baby." Adam laughed, and Tommy smiled. He really liked hearing Adam laugh, liked feeling how it rumbled deep in Adam's chest. Liked feeling _Adam_ , broad and soft and strong and safe. He'd only known Adam for a few hours, most of them spent in a haze of alcohol, pain, and lust, and already, he was getting _feelings_ for the guy. Adam was sweet and funny and sparkly and cool and _hot_ , and they just didn't make 'em like that up North.

He was so fucked, it wasn't funny.

"Really like you," he said, and he looked up into Adam's pretty eyes. What if he never saw those eyes again? "Think you're awesome."

Adam beamed, and he kissed the tip of Tommy's nose. "I think you're awesome, too—for a drunken, horny Christmas elf." Adam chuckled, and Tommy grinned lazily and snuggled up against him.

"Don't wanna go back." He splayed his hand across Adam's belly and began lightly stroking the smooth skin with his fingertips, tracing the delicate, beautiful freckles. "Wanna stay here. Wanna know everything about you."

"Well," Adam began, and gently rubbed Tommy's back in the same rhythm as Tommy's fingers, "I'm a singer. I'm kind of famous. I'm gay. I like glitter. I once said in an interview that I liked 'pretty androgynous elves,' and, well—"

"One fell from the sky?"

Adam grinned. "Hehe, yeah. Santa gave me one. My parents are divorced, I have a younger brother who's a bit of a dick but kind of awesome, too. I'm single, I'm—" he swallowed, and his smile turned sad. "I'm kind of lonely."

Tommy's heart clenched. "I wish I could fix that."

"Yeah, me too. At least I'm not lonely right now?" If Adam was trying to make his tone light, he failed. "Yeah, I kind of wish I'd believed in Santa and elves and stuff before now, so I could ask to keep you for Christmas. You're funny, you're beautiful, you're sweet, and there's something about you—"

Before he could finish, there was a burst of bright light, and suddenly Isaac, the head elf, was standing at the foot of the bed. Adam yelped and jerked the blankets over their naked bodies, while Isaac bounced excitedly on his heels and said, "Tommy! We've been looking all over the world for you! Santa's been worried _sick!_ Are you—oh." Suddenly, Isaac seemed to understand what the two of them were doing in bed together, and he took a step back. " _Oh!_ I see—"

Tommy felt his face grow hot, and he gritted his teeth. "Could you give us a moment, please? I'd kind of like to—" _say goodbye_ "—get dressed without your help, please?"

"Yeah, sure, I'll just—" Isaac was interrupted by a small flash and the appearance of a piece of parchment in the air. He caught it easily, and began to read. Then, he looked up and grinned. "It seems Santa added another name and another gift to The List just a few minutes ago."

"What does that have—" Tommy's heart skipped a beat. Did that mean… Isaac stepped closer and handed Tommy the message.  


>   
> **_Name:_** Adam Lambert  
>  **Occupation:** Grammy-nominated singer, ****American Idol _season eight runner-up_  
>  **Naughty or Nice?** Both.  
>  **Gift:** One chance with an elf.  
>   
>  ** _Name:_** Tommy Joe Ratliff  
>  **Occupation:** Elf  
>  **Naughty or Nice?** _Both._  
>  **Gift:** _One chance with a human._  
>   
>  _Boys, you have a year—for now. Use it well, and I'll make it last. ~~Merry~~ Happy holidays. – S. Claus_  
> 

__With shaking hands, Tommy gave Adam the paper, and when Adam finished reading, he whispered, "Oh my God, _Tommy_ ," and engulfed Tommy in a bone-crushing hug. "Oh my _God_."

Tommy's eyes stung, and he grinned so hard he thought his face would split open. "This is gonna be so awesome!"

"I _know!_ Oh my God, Tommy, _Tommy_." Adam kissed him. "I'm gonna love you and show you everything and take such good care of you, baby, you have no idea." He kissed him again and let out a laugh. "Oh my God, I don't believe this, but I think I'm gonna start believing things more often, I—wow. _Wow_. This…oh my _God!_ "

"You guys." Somehow, the two of them managed to tear their eyes away from each other to look at Isaac's worried face. "What happens if you get to know each other and you hate each other?"

"I don't think that's gonna happen," Adam said, and kissed Tommy on the cheek.

"And if it does?" Isaac raised his eyebrows.

Tommy swallowed. "If it does, then I'll go home in a year. But I don't think I will."

***

_One Year Later_

"I _really_ hope Isaac doesn't pop in here while we're like this," Tommy said, and licked a trail of whipped cream off of Adam's chest.

"Isaac? Who—" Tommy cut Adam off by taking his nipple into his mouth and toying with the barbell pierced through it. "Oh, _God_ , baby. Fucking _awesome_ anniversary, love you, oh my _God_."

He pulled away long enough to say, "Head elf. Guy who showed up last year," then went back to stealing Adam's breath and driving him wild with his tongue.

Yeah, Tommy was pretty sure he wouldn't be going back home anytime soon.


End file.
